Note: This is not a good recipe. This is not even a real recipe. This is an abomination unto gastronomical science.
-Black Eyed Peas
1) Spend about five minutes perusing recipes on the internet. Dismiss several because you’re sure as hell not going to soak the beans. Find a recipe that doesn’t mention soaking beans. Decide you can totally make this recipe without soaking the beans. Time to fake it.
2) Fetch your beans. Because you shop at hippie places, you have bulk bin beans. Realize you have absolutely no way of knowing exactly how much beans you are making, so it’s really probably for the best that you’re faking this recipe. Empty beans into slow cooker.
3) Remove beans from slow cooker, put in sieve. Because you heard somewhere that you ought to rinse the beans first. Or was that rice? Rinse beans anyway. Can’t hurt. Put back in slow cooker.
4) Empty chicken stock on top of beans. Be absolutely unsure how much you should use. One recipe said something about covering the beans with liquid and above that. Add two cups of stock. Contemplate if you should dilute it with water. Add an indeterminate amount of water. Add another cup of chicken stock. Have a sinking suspicion that this is way, way too much liquid.
5) Oh well! High altitude, liquids boil off, it’ll probably be fine. Right? You’ll find out. Now what else was supposed to go in here? Oh yeah, onions!
6) There’s half an onion in the fridge. Dice it. By which we mean hack it badly into pieces, with bits showering onto the floor and everything around you. Get through about half of the onion and decide that’s plenty. Dump into crockpot.
7) Decide to blog about attempting to cook. Leave everything in the kitchen and fight with spacing on blog.
8) Make another cup of tea and enjoy while writing up blog. Realize that you are sort of soaking the beans after all. In a lazy, lazy passive fashion anyway.
9) Finish blogging up to where you left your beans sitting on the counter. Time to add garlic. Use some of the pre-diced garlic in a jar. Then add a couple of little cloves, because you’re pretty sure the garlic clove will not last forever, and hey, nothing wrong with more garlic, right?
10) BACON TIME. Contemplate the package of bacon ends you picked up. Wonder if its way too much. Hack it up and toss it in anyway. It’ll be the predominant flavor anyway. Well, that and the garlic.
11) Contemplate bacon again. That is a LOT of bacon. This is not a low fat dish. This is not good for you. Pigs tremble at the site of the dish. Wonder what abomination you have wrought.
12) Add bay leaf.
13) Cover slow cooker, turn on low. Hope that you put it on with enough time that it will become food by the time you want to eat (in six, seven hours from now).
14) Proceed to ignore slow cooker. You have other things to do today. Laundry, for one. Blogs, for another.
15) Remember sometime around six that you made food. Cautiously, dubiously poke slow cooker. Well, it looks like beans.
16) Serve over leftover rice because it’s perfectly fine rice from two days ago and really you’re too lazy to clean the rice cooker and make fresh rice. Discover beans need salt, but this is pretty much a given with beans. Otherwise, totally edible. You did it. You cobbled together a recipe and did not blow up the entire kitchen. You would be more proud of this except that you recall that beans, at the end of the day, are actually pretty hard to screw up, especially in a slow cooker.
17) Eat a heart portion with too much bacon in it. Brace self. It’s a new year.