The Dubious Choice of Barbarian Pirate Kings

While busy doing some kind of heroing thing for the emperor (or some sort of noble, you know how this goes) a barbarian ends up running through a dungeon where minions of the pirate king roam. He’s running down a ramp and realizing “OH SHIT, this is a ramp that they’re going to roll rocks down!” and thus starts running faster, only instead of rocks, he gets the pirate kings canine minions! And waiting are the pirate king’s summoned spirit minions! Oh no! On the ground floor, he jumps onto a bench to defend himself… only to realize… they are just looking at him.

Turns out the pirate king’s minions have gotten tired of their pirate king, a sorcerer pirate king. In fact, the last few pirate kings were sorcerer pirate kings and they’re kinda bored of that, so they are electing a BARBARIAN PIRATE KING! Our barbarian may or may not be related to the pirate king by blood, but he might not, no one actually cares. They have a barbarian pirate king! And they have secured him a present! They lead him to the bedroom where there’s… a dude. Not even a really attractive dude and he’s unconscious on the bed. Apparently he’s some kind of mystic and the pirate king’s minions are very proud to have secured him, he will be an asset. The minions aren’t human, why would they think their new pirate king would be happier with a comely wench? PFFT, comely wenches aren’t cool and useful like mystics!

The barbarian has been adventuring for a while and it’s been a long time since he’s seen a bed, so, you know what, thanks for the mystic, he’s cool guys, I’m going to pass out on the bed next to him because I can’t be arsed to ask you to move him. Our mystic wakes up after a while to discover he is in the bed of… a sweaty shirtless barbarian. Our mystic is understandably a little perturbed and takes himself elsewhere because SHIT SHIT SHIT I JUST WOKE UP NEXT TO A STRANGE DUDE WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT ANYWAY?

Mystics, I mean, I know, right?

So later our barbarian wakes up and starts exploring the territory that he now owns as pirate king. And by territory, I mean a large rundown house in a very nice upscale neighborhood. Yeah, I don’t know how that works either, but I mean, come on, if you were pirate king, why wouldn’t you own a house in a nice area? The minions are all hard at work fixing the place up for their new king, who goes exploring. He reaches a floor he has never been on before and discovers a set of stairs he cannot reach that go higher! Must explore! Must find out where they go! How do I reach those stairs? The architecture is off and it feels like, in a different setting, this would be really worrying, haunted with ghosts, and possibly filled with things chasing you. But come on, motherfucking barbarian pirate king. WHY THE HELL WOULD HE FEAR THAT SHIT? So he goes to an area he hasn’t been before and a rat stops him and says “sire, you cannot come here!”

“Why the hell not, minion? Am I or aren’t I your king? I can go wherever the hell I please!”

“Well, yes, but I meant we’re still working on this part of the house, it’s not really structurally safe, I wouldn’t recommend walking on these covered up holes in the floor, you understand?”

“Oh. What if I’m careful and mind the holes? Can I come in then?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, just be careful, sire!”

So he does. And his second in command, a lovely plump lady with red hair and a business suit draws him to a part of the house and points out a window. IT IS BEAUTIFUL the barbarian cries but seriously what am I looking at here? I mean it’s a lovely bit of park like neighborhood, but I don’t get what I’m supposed to be excited about.

Across the way, his second in command points out, is another abandoned house. The second in command wants this house. Badly. It has lovely eaves!

“By jove! You’re right!” cries the barbarian. “If we own that house and this one, we can make a secret tunnel under the street and connect the two houses! MWAHAHAH!”

Second in command stares at him. Oh. She just thought it’d be nice to have a second house. Did she mention the lovely eaves?

“You never should have given me an army of rats,” the barbarian replies, slightly abashed.

LATER, he runs into his companion with whom he started this quest.  The companion has found the deposed pirate king, finished the quest, and is ready to get the hell on his way. And the barbarian says, “Actually, no thanks, I just got a pretty sweet gig as a pirate king, I think I’m going to see where this goes. Good luck though!”

And that is what I dreamed last night.